pool of sadness

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now its all leaked again. breakdown. bloodshot tears. aching heart.

all of my 'bad' memories suddenly appeared again ...and i can't stop myself from crying over it....

...because..i have endure for quite a long time now....

..outside...i always put this thick 'mask' so that my heart could withstand any hardship too...

...like being neglected and thrown aside....

...thats probably what hurt me always everyday...

...and i just try to walk around it and just 'smile' and the one who did it...

...cause  i already think of them as 'friend'...but i guess they're still not ready to 'accept' me yet...

...of course..i chit chat some with them...but they're still look more 'antusiastic' more if its only the two of them...

...it IS really visible in my eyes...

...right now i only want FRIENDS...

...i don't care about BOYFRIEND...and i don't care if i can't find any SOULMATES for the rest of my life...

...all i want now is just....be friend with someone...

...having normal conversation....laugh together...making jokes together....

...i have lost my laugh since i graduated from senior highschool.......

......i miss my senior high friends...they're really understands me...and thats really makes me happy...

ah.....crying some bloodshot tears really lifted up my bad feeling a little...and i'm feeling much more lighter....haaaa

...wish i could stop being this emo-ish kid...im just making myself more and more tired every single day....=_=

yummy \(^w^)/

YUM~~~~<3<3<3<3

look tasty doesn't it?? hha,,i like this kind of cereal,,taste soo sweet,,,

and im the only one who likes to eat it in my fams,,hhaa XDD

sakura no ame

hauuuu,,,the lyrics is soo beautifull,,,,make me miss my highschool life and friends,,,TTxTT

fight the blues,,,,

....haaaa....

..now i'm going emo like teukie....

...haaaa...i hate myself....

...im too shy and quite...and thats make people misunderstand me soo easily....

...because...if i stay quite...my face look a bit 'jutek'...*don't know what the english word for that ^^;*

...but, actually...im not...

..really...i just don't know what to talk about....my head just completely blank...

...why does it become this hard??...

haaaaa.....because of that i don't have passion to do anything...

...i just surrender....

haaa....i don't know what to do anymore....


....what would i be??......

WISH LIST

 

 

 

 

ituu semua wish list nenke yg kaya na baru bakal kesampean bertahun" mendatang,,,hhuu >.<

again.....webcam whoring....

okeeeeeeeeeee,,,nenke ga mw kalah narsiis sama kyuhyuunn hhaa

walk to remember.......

today, i just watched suju fanmade video titled 'walk to remember'...

its consist of suju personal comments on each other,,and their journey from a trainee to a famous celebrity..

a very touching video indeed,,and shows how hard working they are,,even they're sick..they still insist to perform on stage,,suju can't be saperated....they love each other soo much...

because of that...teru-teru bozu suddenly pop in my head.....

we used to be like that too right??

from an idea of building a japanese club at my previous highschool....we spoke to our sensei...

we have gone throught a lot of hardship too...

the first time we could acctualy make it as an official school activities club,,,we all really happy...

but...not just long after that...quarrel started in our own club...

hatred. suspicion. divided friendship-ness.

how can it be like this??

i thought we would stay together for...long...or maybe...forever...

but why is it turn out like this??

was i the only one who genuinely love TTB???

first,,my own 'oniichan' who established the idea on making this club...suddenly walk away from it...

then my 'neechan'...then my 'kouhai'...because she finally realized that many of the TTB member hate her attitude....

i actually never thinks bad of her...and i already have the idea of bringing them together again....but i failed...

why was i feel burdened all alone like this???

why're we become divided like this??

were we all family???

and the one who actually work very hard for this club is my own sensei,,,she really is amazing,,,we even make some surprise present for her,,to show our gratitude and thanks for taking care of us and provided everything for TTB....

but why are we seems like splittin up??

we're not as united as we used to be,,back in the old days....

why are we like this???

won't we make sensei sad if it goes like thiss???

why am i the only one who really thinks of you guys as family??

was i the only one who really really love u guyss??

everytime we planned to go together it always failed...well..even if we did success,,,we still walk seperately...

its sad...

i really love TTB and i want TTB to be last forever....

i really want to cry while typing this blog...cause i really-really miss TTB...and i hoped we could be real family....

 

 

i really miss you guys...

lets work hard for TTB and sensei......

too addicted...

woow....
it's almost a month i guess...
i've been watching suju many times on youtube. I kinda get too maniac on it huh?? *freaky* XPP
its just, i can't get enough of aall the cute faces of suju members, soo i want to watch all of their variety show. haaa...when can i stop...i'm currently in love with suju....MADLY in love to be exact...^^
and i have downloaded many of suju's MV and variety show too..[such as E.H.B, animal farm, etc]
wish this habit could stop soon...i need to do a better daily routine...

depression to happiness

hwaaaa,,,,
i'm soo confused,,,i haven't got any from my college life,,TTxTT

its sad,,,really saad,,,
although there are soo many people there who share the same incommon as i did,, but i just can't get the right conversation with them,,
i actually already have tons of question i wanna sk to them,,
but when facing them,,all of taht just dissapeared suddenly,,,oh gosh,,why am i being like this??

now they gonna think that i'm a freak or something,,cause i didn't talk much,,
now i wonder,, i could get along fine with my highschool friends that not share the same incommon,,but why can't i get along just the same when i found someone that share the same incommon?? i've become confused myself,,,

aaiisshh!!! just thinking about it makes me crazy,,,i don't want to feel like this anymore,,
so thats why i'm decided to actively write down my blog,,
cause this is the only way i colud pour out all of my feeling,,
i actually want to talk about this with my 'uke' but,,

i already decided to myself that i don't want to be seen as a whimper or a crybaby anymore,,
soo i kept al my sad feeling to myself,,^^